terrible 2’s

Dear 2 Year Old: You’re Making the Baby Cry


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Dear sweet, precious 2 year old of mine:

I know that you love your baby sister so much that you want to squeeze her, but she doesn’t like having all her insides shoved into her chest.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know that you have this weird ear fetish right now, and you think that other people like having their ears pinched together. But no one likes that.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you were only trying to give the baby a drink of water because you thought she was thirsty. But I’m sure you know that her mouth is not on top of her head, and now she’s soaking wet.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you were just chasing bandits on your stick horse, but you trampled the baby and smacked her in the face in the process.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you were just trying to help her stand up because you wanted her to walk, but her legs aren’t strong enough yet, and neither are you based on how you dropped her.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you were just trying to give her a hug, but you knocked her down sumo style instead.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you were trying to help feed the baby, but onion skins are not for eating, and as it turns out, get stuck to the roof of one’s mouth.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you just wanted to cuddle, but when you climbed in her crib and fell on her, you scared her shitless.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you were just copying Mommy and pretending to eat her chubby thigh. But when Mommy does it, she doesn’t use her teeth.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you wanted to teach the baby how to catch, but now she has a black eye.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you still don’t grasp that pinching people hurts them. But it does.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you really wanted to play with the baby’s toy even though you have 100 of your own, but damn it she had it first.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you were only trying to get her dressed, but you have to undo the buttons before trying to ram her head through it.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you were just trying to give the baby a treat, but she’s too young for chocolate. Now I’m the bad guy who took it away and there is chocolate EVERYWHERE.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know that you just wanted to play hide and go seek and thought that the best place for her to hide would be underneath a blanket, but she hated that.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you told her to run before you shot the arrow at her, but she can’t even crawl yet.

You’re making the baby cry.

 

In conclusion, my dear, sweet little angel of a toddler: I know that you love your baby, and are confused as to why she starts crying when she hears your angelic, screaming voice coming her way, but for the love of God LEAVE THE BABY ALONE!

Because you’re making the baby cry.


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25 Ways to Piss Off a Baby Ary

My middle child is the most ridiculous person I have ever met. She’s fiercely independent, over emotional, and runs on extremes: either she’s hot or she’s cold. Yes, that’s right–she’s a two year old. How’d you guess? After putting up with her for 2 years now, I’ve compiled a list of things that are sure fire ways to piss her off, just in case I’m ever feeling malicious one day.

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25 Ways to Piss Off a Baby Ary

  1. Tell her that she can’t have Goldfish for breakfast.
  2. Tell her she has to wear clothes. Baby Ary operates best when naked. Tell her she has to put clothes on, and she acts as if you’re asking her to pick up the 52 cards she threw around the living room. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
  3. Refuse to allow her to strip naked once you’ve gotten to wherever you were going.
  4. Refuse to undo her car seat straps, because the car is in motion and you don’t want her to die should you get into an accident.
  5. Sing along to songs in the car. She’s decided that adults aren’t aloud to sing. We must endure the never-ending Frozen soundtrack in silence while her and her sister pierce our ear drums with their high belts.
  6. Tell her she can’t have Goldfish for lunch.
  7. Give her Mac ‘n Cheese after she specifically asked you to make her… Mac ‘n Cheese… She now wants a banana for lunch.
  8. Peel the banana for her.
  9. Clean the mashed banana off of her hands, face, hair, chest, arms, legs and feet. Apparently this is the most painful thing in the whole world.
  10. Tell her that she can’t eat her Goldfish in the living room. She must eat them at the table, because that’s the house rule. You know, the house rule that’s been in effect since forever…
  11. Correct her when she calls the afternoon, “morning time”. She knows everything, Mom; you could stand to learn a thing or two from her.
  12. Demand that she pick up after herself. She’ll melt into a puddle on the floor as she declares, “I just tan’t, Mom!” It’ll take about 3 time outs and threats of spankings to get her to pick up one thing. You must go through the cycle of time outs and threats again if you want her to pick up anything else.
  13. Play the wrong episode of Sofia the First. The Emerald Key episode is so yesterday, Mom.
  14. Tell her it’s her sister’s turn to pick a TV show to watch. It doesn’t matter that they both like all the same shows; it’s a matter of respect and principal, Mom!
  15. Insist on changing her diaper when it’s wet. She’s really busy playing her favorite game, “How Many Toys Can I Dump On the Floor?”, and does not want to stop.
  16. Refuse to let her in the bathroom with me. A minute ago she couldn’t care less what I was doing, but now that I’m about to sit on the toilet, she cannot be separated from me.
  17. Say to her, “Hi, Minnie!” when she comes around the corner wearing Minnie Mouse ears. She was pretending the ears were a crown; she’s Queen Elsa right now. Duh, Mom.
  18. If you’re her sister — look at her at the wrong time of day.
  19. If you’re a dog — look at her at the wrong time of day.
  20. If you’re anybody, really — look at her at the wrong time of day.
  21. Tell her that her dress looks nice. How dare you compliment her. She can’t be seen in something that her Mom likes; what will the other toddlers think at the playdate?? Now she has to change.
  22. Tell her that she cannot return the last bite of marshmallow for ice cream instead. You picked marshmallows for dessert kid– live with it.
  23. Rinse her hair during bathtime. I guess the sensation is similar to drowning, because she acts like her life is in danger every time I do it.
  24. Put lotion on her. This, along with being cleaned off, is the most painful thing in the world. Never mind that she spent the entire day flinging her body off of the furniture and crashing onto the floor; suddenly she is quite the fragile flower. “You need be gentol wit me, Mama!”
  25. Allow her blanket to flip up the slightest bit at the end of her bed when you’re tucking her in. She can’t possibly be expected to sleep in such a shamble of a bed!

 

So, anybody in the market for a 2 year old? I’ve got a little angel that I’ll sell to you for free.

I’m kidding, of course.

(But seriously–private message me if you’re interested.)