Dear 2 Year Old: You’re Making the Baby Cry


Dear sweet, precious 2 year old of mine:

I know that you love your baby sister so much that you want to squeeze her, but she doesn’t like having all her insides shoved into her chest.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know that you have this weird ear fetish right now, and you think that other people like having their ears pinched together. But no one likes that.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you were only trying to give the baby a drink of water because you thought she was thirsty. But I’m sure you know that her mouth is not on top of her head, and now she’s soaking wet.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you were just chasing bandits on your stick horse, but you trampled the baby and smacked her in the face in the process.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you were just trying to help her stand up because you wanted her to walk, but her legs aren’t strong enough yet, and neither are you based on how you dropped her.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you were just trying to give her a hug, but you knocked her down sumo style instead.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you were trying to help feed the baby, but onion skins are not for eating, and as it turns out, get stuck to the roof of one’s mouth.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you just wanted to cuddle, but when you climbed in her crib and fell on her, you scared her shitless.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you were just copying Mommy and pretending to eat her chubby thigh. But when Mommy does it, she doesn’t use her teeth.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you wanted to teach the baby how to catch, but now she has a black eye.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you still don’t grasp that pinching people hurts them. But it does.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you really wanted to play with the baby’s toy even though you have 100 of your own, but damn it she had it first.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you were only trying to get her dressed, but you have to undo the buttons before trying to ram her head through it.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you were just trying to give the baby a treat, but she’s too young for chocolate. Now I’m the bad guy who took it away and there is chocolate EVERYWHERE.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know that you just wanted to play hide and go seek and thought that the best place for her to hide would be underneath a blanket, but she hated that.

You’re making the baby cry.

I know you told her to run before you shot the arrow at her, but she can’t even crawl yet.

You’re making the baby cry.


In conclusion, my dear, sweet little angel of a toddler: I know that you love your baby, and are confused as to why she starts crying when she hears your angelic, screaming voice coming her way, but for the love of God LEAVE THE BABY ALONE!

Because you’re making the baby cry.



At Least Pee is Sterile

My sister came out from California to spend last week with us. I had plans of surprising her with a birthday cake since we couldn’t be with her in February for her actual birthday, of painting nails, of days spent outside playing with the kids, of nights drinking wine while watching stupid television shows, of finally getting to show her the place that I now call home because the last time she came to visit was for Laurelyn’s birth & the time before that was in the middle of the polar vortex winter. But reality looked totally different than my fantasy, as it normally does. I wasn’t able to find the time to make her birthday cake. It rained most of the time she was here, keeping us housebound. And to top it off, the 2 older girls got hit with a stomach bug; Eowyn was sick the first day she was here, and Arya 2 days later. Aside from Target & Arya’s dance class, we didn’t get out of the house until her 4th day here! We went to the Mall of America that day for a Barbie’s Dreamhouse / Nickelodeon Universe / Disney store extravaganza.

The next day, I had planned on taking her to the downtown area of our little town. It has a quaint small-town America feel and is right next to the river, so there’s gorgeous views everywhere. The first time I went to the downtown area was the first time I fell in love with this area, which has now become my home. It was really important to me to share that with my sister.

So of course, everything went wrong.

The plan was to make sandwiches and have a picnic, because frankly it wasn’t in the budget to eat out. But we ended up running late in the way that only happens when you have kids: you wake up with the sole goal of getting ready to leave, yet mysteriously it gets dragged out in extra potty trips, nursing sessions, and the extra time it takes to get the kids moving at a pace that doesn’t make you want to gouge your eyes out Fish Mooney style. No way was I going to add making sandwiches to the list when we were finally getting out of the door at 1:30. Fast food was the best choice economically speaking, but I knew that going inside to eat would waste at least another hour because of the reality of the pace of a 4 year old, 2 year old, and nursing 5 month old. The food would have been cold if we drove through and ate it picnic style at the river. So I chose to go to a restaurant downtown, because that would give us the most time. Time to spend together in one of my favorite places on the second to last day of my sister’s visit. I knew we couldn’t afford it, but sometimes I feel it’s important to choose the option that will make you happier, rather than the more frugal one.

We went to a burger joint that I really like that’s right in the middle of downtown. Unfortunately, they messed up my burger and put cheese on it (I’m allergic to dairy). So everyone else ate before me. But I will say that the waitress handled it perfectly: she caught the mistake before bringing the food out and had the manager take my meal off the bill without me having to complain first. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to A. Remind the server that I can’t eat the food they served me because of the cheese that’s sitting right on top of it, even though I told them about my allergy when I ordered and, B. Had to complain to the manager because the server made clear to me that my allergy was really inconveniencing them. I don’t like having to make a big stink, so I really appreciated the waitress being so pro-active in fixing the mistake.

Right when I was finishing up eating, Laurelyn pooped. I discovered when I took her to the bathroom that it was a blow out diaper. Like, an up-her-back-and-in-her-leg-rolls blow out diaper. If we had been at home, this would have been a you-need-a-bath kind of diaper. And I had 3 diaper wipes. I managed to get the onesie off without the poop getting in her hair, but I had to resort to using toilet paper to wipe a lot of it up because the 3 diaper wipes didn’t cut it on their own. After she was poop free, I had to put her naked self on my hip so that I could wipe the poop off of the changing pad, so that the new diaper wouldn’t be covered in it. While I was doing this, she peed on me.

Not just a little trickle either.

Oh no, this was a soak-the-whole-left-side-of-my-shirt-and-roll-down-my-pant-leg-and-on-to-my-shoe-ending-in-a-massive-puddle-on-the-floor kind of pee.

I had no extra clothes for myself, because who does that? There was a part of me that wanted to throw in the towel, just go home and give up on this impossible day. But the kids were so excited to run around by the river, and my poor sister had spent almost her whole visit cooped up in my house. So even though I felt positively gross, I decided that I was not going to give up on this day, and forged on in my peed on clothes.

At least pee is sterile.

We went back to the car to get the girls’ kite & balls, to discover that the damn kite had broken! The girls were instantly devastated and threatened to throw tantrums over it. Luckily my husband calmed them down, because if they had thrown fits over that kite I would have lost it. They kicked the ball around for about 5 minutes and then were done. Whatever happened to kids being able to amuse themselves forever with a ball and lots of space to run?

They wanted to walk along the water now. I was nursing again, so my sister took them down by the shore solo while Tyler kept me company.


This too, only lasted 5 minutes, because Ary kept trying to go in the water. No matter that the water is freezing cold and she didn’t have a bathing suit or floaties on. My sister came walking back to us carrying Ary like a football because she wouldn’t walk on her own. She was also shoeless; she had managed to kick off her shoes in the struggle without my sister noticing.

While my sister went back to retrieve the missing shoes, Eowyn managed to climb a tree entirely on her own. This has been something that she always wanted to do, so it was such an honor to watch it unfold. My daughter checked off her first bucket list item, and I was there to witness it. There it is friends– extraordinary peeking through the ordinary day.


The moment was broken by a yell of, “I need ta go potty!” I passed the baby off to Tyler, grabbed Ary, and ran to the bathrooms. Which were locked. Why were the park bathrooms locked on a Saturday?! I knew she wouldn’t make it back to the restaurants, so there was only one other option: she was going to have to squat. I took her to a wooded area off the shore of the river, held her in a squatting position above the sand, and told her to go. “NOOOOO!”, she protested. “It’s ok, Ary; the dogs pee outside all the time. Just let it out.” It was really windy that day, so it was kind of a messy experience. But, I kept things light hearted and silly, and when she was done, we were laughing about it. When we were back with everyone else, she proudly announced, “I pee in da woods!”

Hey, at least pee is sterile.

There’s a bridge that goes across the river that I had yet to walk, so we decided to cross that bridge (pun intended). Eowyn was pretty disappointed by this idea, as she wanted to continue climbing trees for the rest of the day.

The view was absolutely breathtaking.




But both the girls were quickly complaining about how bored they were, and could we please go back now? (INSERT MAJOR EYE ROLL HERE) “How can you be bored when you have all of this beauty surrounding you?”, my sister asked them. I then had a flashback of our childhood when we were the bored children being asked that question. When did we become so old? The girls finally wore us down however, and we headed back halfway through.

Wanting to recreate the iconic picture of Winnie-the-Pooh and Christopher Robin dropping sticks on one side of a bridge to see who’s stick made it to the other side first, we all picked out sticks and dropped them in the water. Despite the wind being very strong, the current was stubbornly pushing against it, so non of our sticks actually made it to the other side. They actually got carried in the other direction! So much for that moment.

We headed back to the main street to get coffee and ice cream.


Then we packed up and went home. The girls were not happy about this; there were boo boo lips across the board.

The moment we were pulling into the garage, Eowyn asked if we could play outside. We were completely dumbfounded by her request, since we had just spent the last 4 hours outside. She threw a fit when we denied her request, “But we just walked around on a bridge, we didn’t play in my yard!” (INSERT EVEN BIGGER EYE ROLL HERE)

Sometimes, you just can’t win. You try to plan a nice family day out of the house to make some memories for the scrapbook, and life takes a piss on it (literally).

But you know what? On the way to church the next day, Eowyn said, “Mom, remember when we walked on that bridge yesterday? That was a lot of fun.” BAM! Mom for the win! Even though the day was far from flawless, I think the kids will actually file that memory away as a nice day out. They’ll remember climbing trees and a windy walk on a bridge and ice cream and forget the not-so-great bits.

As moms we try so hard sometimes to create “perfect” memories. But, life isn’t perfect. Stories are more interesting when things go wrong anyways. So the next time a day isn’t going as planned, I will remind myself, ‘at least pee is sterile’. Because if I try too hard to force something to be perfect, I’ll ruin any chance of it being fun because I’ll be stressed out.

We’ve got to hold tight to all that is good, refusing to let it go.


A Day in the Life of Me with 3

This day technically was an extension of the previous one: I was up until 1 am nursing the baby and catching up on TV shows with the husband (Better Call Saul, Agent Carter, and Downton Abby). The baby went down long enough for me to get myself ready for bed, then woke up again. Luckily this time only required 10 minutes of pacing and rocking and then I was able to put her down. I had my precious devotional time, and went to sleep. Baby slept through the night, waking up at 7:30. I knew that the longer I let her cry, the more likely she was to wake up one of her sisters, so I peed quickly. I grabbed the baby from her bedside bassinet, took the Sleep Sac off, and cuddled her in my bed. A few minutes after I got her latched on, I heard the unmistakable sounds of one of the others getting out of bed and pitter patting to my room. If it’s Eowyn, I might be able to get her to fall back asleep cuddling with us. If it’s Ary, I’m screwed.

The door opens, and Ary climbs into bed with us.


She cuddles with her baby sister for a few minutes before declaring, “I want to go downstairs.” The baby has already fallen back to sleep; maybe we can sneak out of bed without waking her up…

Ary [in a not so quiet voice]: “I need go potty!”

Alright Saturday, let’s do this.

-Without waking up Laurelyn, I quietly get Ary to the bathroom and on the potty right as she’s starting to pee. Ary hates washing her hands, so I have to fight with her to get her to do it.

-Laurelyn wakes up; I grab her and the 3 of us go downstairs before Ary has a chance to wake up Eowyn.

-I let the dogs out into the frozen tundra to do their morning business.

-I change Laurelyn’s diaper & put on Star Wars Rebels , per Ary’s request.

-Why is the cat following me, meowing my ear off? Oh, right- she’s hungry. I grab some food for her while I let the dogs back in.

-I hang up the diaper wash cloths to dry. (I don’t do disposable diaper wipes anymore because I was tired of paying for them. I throw the dirty wash cloths in the washer before going to bed, and hang them up to dry in the morning, because I’m too cheap to waste the electricity to dry them in the dryer).

-Right when I sit on the couch to nurse, Ary announces that she wants water and Goldfish. I get back up and grab Ary’s breakfast while juggling Laurelyn on my hip.

-I sit down to nurse Laurelyn (20 minutes and she’s asleep again)

-Eowyn wakes up and comes downstairs

-She declares that she’s hungry. I remind her that she needs to go potty because she just woke up. “[SIGH] I know that, Mom!” Really? Why didn’t you do it on your own then? Why is it that I have to remind you to go potty every. single. morning. ?

-I try to put sleeping Laurelyn in her swing, which is a funny dance where I have to completely support her bottom, keep my face next to hers through the entire transfer and not get my long hair in her face when I lift up. It’s a delicate maneuver that is only about 40% successful. Sure enough – – she woke up. I’m able to transfer her to her chair and bring her into the kitchen with us though, and she’s fine. She is such a perfect baby.

-Get older kids Lucky Charms.

-Get distracted blogging and burn my toast


-Deny Ary’s request for more cereal 500 times because, “You have to eat the cereal part too; you can’t just eat the marshmallows.”

-Eowyn: “Uh, Mom, I kind of made a big mess.” When will she be able to eat without it ending up everywhere?

-Eowyn then asks for more. I tell her she has to eat the cereal in her bowl before she gets more- “You can’t just eat the marshmallows”. After one more bite of cereal, she’s done. I’m never buying Lucky Charms again.

Star Wars Rebels is over. Eowyn’s turn to pick something. My Little Pony. The movie. I’m shocked.

-I finish my toast in time for Ary to declare she has to go potty. I pick up Laurelyn in her chair and rush the 3 of us to the bathroom and all that ends up happening is 5 minutes of Knock Knock jokes. Which are all a variation of Ary’s favorite :

“Knock, knock!”

“Who’s there? ”

” Lettuce! ”

” Lettuce who? ”

” Arya’s lettuce! ”

It was hilarious. I love this kid.

-Change Laurelyn’s diaper. While I’m doing that, Ary takes out the Sofia the First game board. She sets it up, then gets distracted by tape on the box and makes it’s annihilation her mission in life.

-Nurse Laurelyn. Eowyn promptly takes her place on my left shoulder. The only time I get to nurse without one or both of the other girls all over me is at night when they’re sleeping.

-For the remainder of the My Little Pony movie, Laurelyn goes through a cycle of nursing-sleeping-woken up by one of her sisters. I give up on her napping once the movie is over.

-Eowyn: “I’m hungry.” I swear these girls eat like hobbits.

-Right as I’m getting Laurelyn situated in  her chair, Ary announces, “I need to go potty!” She makes it in time, yay! Fight with her to get her to wash her hands.

-She then goes back and forth to the potty three times, accomplishing nothing until the last time when she poops in the potty. Of course this means that I too have to run back and forth to the potty. Fight with her to get her to wash her hands.

-I wash and slice an apple for Eowyn (because that’s what she asked for), only to have her take 1 bite and tell me, “My throat is making the apple taste yucky, so I’m not going to eat it.” Ary won’t eat it because it has the peel on, so I guess I’m having apple slices. Ary does however want an apple of her own, so I peel and slice a different one for her. She eats about half and “secretly” feeds the rest to our dog Chewbacca. Laurelyn starts to fuss in the middle of all of this, so I get her out of her chair and hold her.

-I try to make a phone call, but my phone app crashes. So I have a phone that can do pretty much anything except make a call. What a world.

-Laurelyn wants to nurse again.

-Eowyn turns her guitar and pirate sword into a cello and puts on a show for us.


-Eowyn: “Mom, can I have a granola bar please? I can get it!” It then becomes a death race between her and Ary as to who can get to the pantry first. They scream at one another as they squabble over who gets to get a granola bar first. They both make it out alive and with their own granola bars, and Ary leaves hers untouched on the table.

-I steal away for a bathroom break, dragging Laurelyn with me in her chair. Except it’s hardly a break as the moment the door closes, Ary starts shoving colored pencils and a book under the door. Then she barges in, and I tell her to get all her stuff and get out. She gives me a pathetic boo-boo lip and says, “I just wanted to help, Mom.” Help me get away from you lot for a whole minute so I can pee in privacy by not leaving me alone and cluttering the floor with a bunch of stuff? What? How? WHYYYY??!

-I come out of the bathroom to discover Ary is eating all the dark chocolate pieces out of the trail mix.

-After putting the trail mix away and putting the pantry lock on, I lift Laurelyn out of her chair and see poop leaking through her clothes. This baby has a real knack for explosive diapers.

-While I’m cleaning Laurelyn up, Eowyn sits down and practices copying a word that I have written on our white board. This means I must look up 3 times during the blow out clean up to look at her work (“Mom, look!”, “Mom, look!”, “Mom, look!”). “Mom, can I practice with the markers, because it’s easier for me?” Yeah, let’s use markers while Mom is elbow deep in infant poop. NO!

-After the clean up is finished, I corral the troops upstairs so we can finally brush our teeth (it’s now 11 am). First, Ary must grab a toy. You know, in case she gets bored on the long journey to the second level of the house.

-We finally get upstairs just in time for Ary to need to pee again. She makes it to the potty though! Fight with her to get her to wash her hands.

-We brush the kids’ teeth, which requires lots of the Doc Mcstuffins tooth brushing song.

-The girls play on the stairs while I dress Laurelyn, take my morning medicine, and brush my teeth with her balanced on my hip.

-After being naked all day yesterday, all night long, and all of this morning, Ary decides she wants pajamas. I don’t understand this girl.

-By the time I get downstairs, Laurelyn wants to nurse again.

-While I am nursing: -Ary spills Goldfish on the floor, which she starts eating off of the floor with Chewbacca – Eowyn dumps more Goldfish on the floor on purpose because she feels bad for our other dog Brienne not being able to get through Ary and Chewbacca to get any -Eowyn opens the pantry lock and brings out the bag of Goldfish for her and Ary to snack from – Ary takes her pajamas off. They lasted a whole 20 minutes – I become a spider web for the girls to put dew drops onto. -We read a book -Eowyn practices letters


-We clean up the mess they made yesterday because… hot damn.

Clean up takes 40 minutes, and that’s with me doing 90% of the work. But it also included me vacuuming their play room once I could see the floor, putting up Command hooks to solve the weaponry storage issue we’ve had, and scrubbing all the paint off of the girls’ dry erase board.


-Laurelyn announces she is done being in her chair right when I’m finishing up. Perfect baby.

-I get the older girls dry erase markers so they can create art on their newly cleaned board. Then I change Laurelyn’s diaper and nurse her in the play room so I can keep an eye on them. Ary always trys to color everything she’s not supposed to, so when we’re doing markers I have to be there to remind her to only color the paper (or in this case, board) about 5,000 times.

-The dry erase/chalk board easel keeps Things 1 & 2 entertained for a full 20 minutes.

-They then move on to archery.



-Laurelyn has fallen asleep and I am able to transfer her to her bassinet. Like I said before–perfect baby.

-I have the other two go potty, fight with Ary to get her to wash her hands, and then I take lunch orders. I whip up their requests, serve them, and get started on my pb&j. I decide to jazz it up today by toasting the bread (take that, Bobby Flay). While the bread is toasting, Laurelyn wakes up; she slept for 15 minutes… I quickly finish making my sandwich and go get her.

-As we’re finishing up lunch, I remember that my Tardis cookie jar is empty and suggest to the girls that we make some cookies before naptime. They had gotten a Frozen cookie making kit for Christmas that I had completely forgotten about, so we broke that out and finally made them. I was carrying Laurelyn in my baby carrier, so it was a bit awkward moving around but it was so much fun!


-I told the girls that they couldn’t eat their cookies unless they took a nap, and got them cleaned off, emptied of pee, and in their beds.

-Then I let the dogs out, changed Laurelyn’s diaper, and nursed her to sleep. I let her sleep on me while Tyler and I watched Vikings .

-All of the girls wake up shortly after our show ends. Ary woke up grumpy as per usual, and she cried uncontrollably for 10 minutes. There’s no comforting her when she gets like this; we’ve got to just let her cry it out.

-Tyler sets the girls up with Disney Jr to try to quell the grumpy fit while Laurelyn and I head into the kitchen to tackle dishes. She lays on her changing pad on the kitchen floor playing happily with her toes and babbling at me. Perfect baby.

-I get through half of the dishes before Ary jumps on the changing pad, scaring the crap out of the baby. Laurelyn starts screaming and then Ary starts crying because she feels bad that she scared her sister; she just wanted to cuddle with her. I stop doing dishes to calm them both down.

-Due to the stress of almost dying, Laurelyn wants to nurse.

-When I’m done nursing, we have an impromptu Skype call with Papa & Grandma Cheri (AKA my Dad and my Step-mom)

-I get Laurelyn set up in her chair and we head back into the kitchen. I adjust my plan to only cleaning dishes that are necessary for me to make dinner, but it still eats up another 15 minutes. I’m able to prep my veggies and pre heat the oven before I have to stop to nurse Laurelyn again.

-Just as Laurelyn is drifting to sleep, Ary yanks on the cat’s tail, who flips out at Chewbacca, making him yelp, which scares Brienne, who in turn, barks. Needless to say, Laurelyn wakes up…

-I nurse her back to sleep and make a failed attempt at laying her down.

-I come downstairs to find Ary standing on a chair next to the kitchen counter. She took one bite out of 4 of the 6 Frozen cookies that we had made earlier. WHHHYYYY???

-I try to put Laurelyn in her chair with me in the kitchen, but she is not having it. Daddy takes her, but she screams on and off through the 40 minutes it takes for me to finish dinner, despite all of Daddy’s best attempts. You should’ve stayed asleep, baby!

-While I’m plating the food, Eowyn starts singing and walking around the kitchen island and basically getting in the way with every step. We tell her to sit down and stop singing because it’s quiet time, which makes her slump over and pout. Ary is stuck in her highchair, but asks Eowyn, “Sissy, what’s wrong?” Eowyn tells her in hushed tones what happened. Then Ary says, “Awww, poor thing. It’s o-tay Sissy. Come here sweetheart.” Then Eowyn gets up and gets a hug from Ary, with the huge tray in between them. She says, “Thanks Sis. You’re the best.” I try not to cry from the cuteness of what just happened.

-We finally eat dinner; me juggling Laurelyn on my lap the whole time. During dinner, Ary has to pee which requires getting her out of her highchair and then back into her highchair. (Not to mention the fight to get her to wash her hands) Between napkin requests, water requests, and dropping forks, I get up 4 different times.

-After our delicious cookie dessert, I nurse Laurelyn. While I’m nursing: -Ary plays fetch with Brienne; Eowyn shoves Arya, making her fall down because she was frustrated with her for singing Let It Go when she wanted to play Mulan . Tyler puts Eowyn in time out; After her time out, Eowyn attempts to color, but Ary keeps messing up her pictures on purpose ; the girls played Gollum with Daddy

-Eowyn & Arya get a bath.

-BEDTIME! This involves brushing teeth (singing Doc Mcstuffins song again), going potty, one last fight with Arya to get her to wash her hands, getting Eowyn in pajamas & Arya in a Pull-Up (she likes to sleep naked), reading a Bible story, saying prayer, tucking them in their beds after they each check to make sure that their billion stuffed animals are all there, and listening to their great ideas for what we should do tomorrow.

-Watch Gotham with Tyler while nursing Laurelyn to sleep

-Laurelyn actually goes down tonight, so I get to sleep without waking up with a kink in my shoulders tomorrow.

-I come back downstairs and throw the diaper wash cloths in the washer. Then I wash the dishes from dinner because waking up to a dirty kitchen stresses me out.

-I then go upstairs around 1 am and have my quiet time with God. I’m so tired when I’m done that I decide to sleep rather than shower. I’ll shower tomorrow.



There you have it–a typical day as a stay at home mama of 3. Now it’s time to get up and do it all again.

25 Ways to Piss Off a Baby Ary

My middle child is the most ridiculous person I have ever met. She’s fiercely independent, over emotional, and runs on extremes: either she’s hot or she’s cold. Yes, that’s right–she’s a two year old. How’d you guess? After putting up with her for 2 years now, I’ve compiled a list of things that are sure fire ways to piss her off, just in case I’m ever feeling malicious one day.


25 Ways to Piss Off a Baby Ary

  1. Tell her that she can’t have Goldfish for breakfast.
  2. Tell her she has to wear clothes. Baby Ary operates best when naked. Tell her she has to put clothes on, and she acts as if you’re asking her to pick up the 52 cards she threw around the living room. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
  3. Refuse to allow her to strip naked once you’ve gotten to wherever you were going.
  4. Refuse to undo her car seat straps, because the car is in motion and you don’t want her to die should you get into an accident.
  5. Sing along to songs in the car. She’s decided that adults aren’t aloud to sing. We must endure the never-ending Frozen soundtrack in silence while her and her sister pierce our ear drums with their high belts.
  6. Tell her she can’t have Goldfish for lunch.
  7. Give her Mac ‘n Cheese after she specifically asked you to make her… Mac ‘n Cheese… She now wants a banana for lunch.
  8. Peel the banana for her.
  9. Clean the mashed banana off of her hands, face, hair, chest, arms, legs and feet. Apparently this is the most painful thing in the whole world.
  10. Tell her that she can’t eat her Goldfish in the living room. She must eat them at the table, because that’s the house rule. You know, the house rule that’s been in effect since forever…
  11. Correct her when she calls the afternoon, “morning time”. She knows everything, Mom; you could stand to learn a thing or two from her.
  12. Demand that she pick up after herself. She’ll melt into a puddle on the floor as she declares, “I just tan’t, Mom!” It’ll take about 3 time outs and threats of spankings to get her to pick up one thing. You must go through the cycle of time outs and threats again if you want her to pick up anything else.
  13. Play the wrong episode of Sofia the First. The Emerald Key episode is so yesterday, Mom.
  14. Tell her it’s her sister’s turn to pick a TV show to watch. It doesn’t matter that they both like all the same shows; it’s a matter of respect and principal, Mom!
  15. Insist on changing her diaper when it’s wet. She’s really busy playing her favorite game, “How Many Toys Can I Dump On the Floor?”, and does not want to stop.
  16. Refuse to let her in the bathroom with me. A minute ago she couldn’t care less what I was doing, but now that I’m about to sit on the toilet, she cannot be separated from me.
  17. Say to her, “Hi, Minnie!” when she comes around the corner wearing Minnie Mouse ears. She was pretending the ears were a crown; she’s Queen Elsa right now. Duh, Mom.
  18. If you’re her sister — look at her at the wrong time of day.
  19. If you’re a dog — look at her at the wrong time of day.
  20. If you’re anybody, really — look at her at the wrong time of day.
  21. Tell her that her dress looks nice. How dare you compliment her. She can’t be seen in something that her Mom likes; what will the other toddlers think at the playdate?? Now she has to change.
  22. Tell her that she cannot return the last bite of marshmallow for ice cream instead. You picked marshmallows for dessert kid– live with it.
  23. Rinse her hair during bathtime. I guess the sensation is similar to drowning, because she acts like her life is in danger every time I do it.
  24. Put lotion on her. This, along with being cleaned off, is the most painful thing in the world. Never mind that she spent the entire day flinging her body off of the furniture and crashing onto the floor; suddenly she is quite the fragile flower. “You need be gentol wit me, Mama!”
  25. Allow her blanket to flip up the slightest bit at the end of her bed when you’re tucking her in. She can’t possibly be expected to sleep in such a shamble of a bed!


So, anybody in the market for a 2 year old? I’ve got a little angel that I’ll sell to you for free.

I’m kidding, of course.

(But seriously–private message me if you’re interested.)

The 7 Days of a Family Sickness


Day 1: Denial

The first kid walks up to you and sneezes directly on your face. It doesn’t matter that you’re wiping textbook infected green snot from your cheek, you will lie to yourself and say that the kid just has allergies. The pollen count must be high today. In December. Snow has pollen, right? It must, because there’s no way sickness is wedging it’s nasty head into your household again.

So what if the snotty kid is now asking to take a nap. She just magically became an angel who likes to sleep after 2 years of being a monster who can somehow live off of stupid small amounts of sleep. Kids change all the time.

See, there goes that kid, changing again–her December hayfever has given her a cough. The husband walks up to you after being sneezed on and says, “I think she’s sick.” You give him the evil eye for speaking sickness into existence. He’s jinxed you for sure.

Wait, she wants to snuggle? Shit. She’s sick. Better keep her away from the others before we’ve got a full plague on our hands.

Day 2: Lock Down

Snotty kid (aka Toddler) got the Older One sick, who went from bouncing off the walls all day to dying at exactly midnight. Older Kid’s dying sounds woke up Toddler. You pumped them both full of Benedryl and cough medicine, but the congestion kept them up and down all night. You and the hubby wake up exhausted and sneezing with sore throats. You accept that everyone is sick, but tell yourself it’s just a cold. Today will be the worst day, and tomorrow everyone will be over the hump. You can get through this. You make up medicine charts for each family member so you can stay on top of the every 4-6 hour dosings. Despite also being sick yourself, you pull on your inner super hero Mom strength and take care of everyone all day, including the husband. You make sure everyone drinks water, eats chicken noodle soup, washes hands, covers coughs, and has tissues for their leaky noses. All while doing your best to keep the 2 month old from being on the receiving end of one of those green snot sneezes and coughs. You happily nurse her around the clock to give her the best shot of surviving.

Day 3: Fever

No more denial–it’s the flu. Toddler came down with a fever at exactly midnight. And not just a low grade fever–we’re talking full fledged 103° fever. Of course come sun rise, you all have fevers. The medicine charts are a nightmare because everyone is having to alternate Tylenol and Ibuprofen to combat the Black Plague-esque fevers. The baby now has a sniffly nose, but no fever yet. She nurses non stop all day, depleting you of the little energy you had left after being up all night with the other two. Luckily, no one has any energy, so you all wallow together in your misery and watch Disney Jr all day. No one has an appetite, which is fortunate because they’d starve if they did; no way you’re cooking anything. You’re still rallying to keep the baby healthy, and so you continue to remind everyone to cover their coughs. No one can hear your desperate whispers over all the coughing though, because you’ve lost your voice. You curse the mom from dance class who brought the coughing kid to class last week; this must have come from them. If you survive this epidemic, you vow to tell her off at the next class.

Day 496: Delirium

You have now been sick for 496 days. At least that’s what it feels like. In all actuality, you have no idea what day it is or even what year it is. The mixture of not getting enough sleep and fever has left you dizzy and completely delirious. You can’t make sense of the medicine charts anymore and just pray you’re not over-dosing anyone at a lethal level. Toddler coughs on everything and everyone while using everything except tissues to wipe her nose on, and you can only moan in retaliation. The Older Child got the least severe case and is already on the up swing. She has completely forgotten what being sick feels like since she woke up fever – free, and doesn’t understand why you won’t take her outside to play or at least let her roller skate inside the house. She spends all day pestering you to play board games, making irritating noises at the top of her lungs, asking deep life questions like “Why do dogs have legs?”, and demanding food every 2 hours, oblivious to the fact that you are still nursing the baby around the clock on your death bed. Somehow you survive this awful day.

Day 5: Recovery

All fevers have finally broken, and you are back to a somewhat normal mental state. But you and the hubby are completely exhausted and in desperate need of a day of rest. Unfortunately, children’s cycle of sickness skips this “recovery” phase. Now that they’re feeling better, they are back to running around and wanting you to play with them. You tell them that Mommy and Daddy are still tired and need rest, and hope that they’ll watch Disney Jr all day again. Instead, they seize this moment of weakness and wreak complete havoc on the house. Neither you nor your husband have the energy to stop them. Damn you, old age! They don’t nap either, because they have that much energy. You hobble through the day, counting down until bedtime. Bedtime finally comes, but the little shits get one last burst of energy and don’t go to sleep right away. You wonder at this point why God hates you, and chug a whole bottle of nighttime cough medicine so you might finally get some sleep. The children will just have to fend for themselves if they wake up in the middle of the night.

Day 6: Clearing the Lungs

Because you are old, you’re still low energy. Your whole family is at the stage where you are hacking up all the junk that had gotten stuck in your lungs. It’s disgusting. Since Toddler is still learning how to spit, she chokes on the phlegm and ends up throwing up. Every time you run to the bathroom to hack up a lung, you hear, “MOOOMMMM! CAN YOU GET – – -“.

No, children, no.

Day 7: Fiji

You are all finally better, except the coughing, which always lasts until the next round of sickness. You dump the kids off on the grandparents, lying to their faces when they ask if the kids are better. They can’t possibly still be contagious.



Who cares–you have hours of decontaminating to do to get rid of all the germs. An hour into the process, you realize that you will never be able to clean everything. Best just to burn it all and start fresh. Speaking of start fresh, you could really use a vacation. So you light a match and board a plane to Fiji. The grandparents will be fine; they’ve already survived parenthood once, surely they can manage a second time.