Potty Training Diaries: The Shit Storm

I had an OB appointment on Monday. I knew ahead of time that I was going to be doing the glucose blood test (which involves a 1 hour wait time after downing a sugary drink), and we weren’t able to leave the kids with Mimi (Tyler’s mom), so Dad got the privilege of staying home with them while I went solo. The appointment was scheduled during nap time, with the hopes of them actually napping and therefore making it an easy job on Dad. Of course, they didn’t nap. Ary was the main trouble maker (naturally) so Tyler put Eowyn in our bed so as to give her an honest shot of actually falling asleep. Then they both grew quiet, which he took to mean that they had finally fallen asleep. 20 minutes later however, he realized how terribly wrong he was in his assumption, for the peaceful silence was broken by Eowyn yelling, “DAAADDD!!! SISTER POOPED EVERYWHERE!!!” For once, Eowyn was not exaggerating: Arya had taken off her Pull-Up and pooped all.over.the.floor.

While all of this was happening at the house, I was blissfully perusing the home decor aisles of Target while waiting for my prescriptions to be filled. I normally avoid those aisles at all costs because they are full of breakable things. But since I was sans children for once, I allowed myself to window shop for all of the things I would love to buy for my house. I then got a rude awakening back to reality with a text from Tyler saying, “Please come home” and this picture attached:

wpid-download_20140728_191905.jpeg

Shit. EVERYWHERE. And this picture doesn’t even show all of it.

I immediately abandon my prescriptions and rush back to the house. Tyler was washing Ary off in the tub, as she had poop on her feet, hands, and all over the clothes she had been wearing. Like, she purposefully picked it up and then rubbed it on her front. Disgusting. The little trouble maker also decided to empty her entire drawer of clothes with said poop hands and put them on both her bed and Eowyn’s bed. She got poop on the pile of blankets we leave next to her bed to cushion the fall when she rolls off every night. There was even poop on the door handle and the wall next to the door, when she tried to get out.

As I was surveying the damage, absolute horror filled my core.

Britney Spears cringe gif

My initial thought was that we should just burn it all and start fresh. But since the fire would more than likely spread to the rest of the house, I rolled up my sleeves and started cleaning. Even though I couldn’t see visible poop on the beds or dressers, I knew that she had touched them because of all of the clothes (which had poop on them). Between scrubbing the poop out of the carpet, putting the poop laundry into trash bags, stripping both beds (both of which have crib bumpers because our girls are crazy sleepers), and sanitizing the beds/dresser/vanity/door/wall/miscellaneous toys, I was cleaning for an hour and a half. Then I had the pleasure of doing 6 loads of poop laundry between all the clothes, sheets, pillows, crib bumpers, and blankets that were contaminated. 6 loads of laundry. We couldn’t even put them to bed early because we had to wait for all of the bedding! I drew the line at dinner and sent Tyler out for food, because there was no way I was cooking on top of everything else.

hell no gif

The next day, I continued the cleaning saga by tackling the girls’ bathroom. Poor Dad freaked out a bit when he first discovered Ary in all her pooping glory, so he first put her in the bathroom by herself so that he could see what he could do about the mess. Feeling completely helpless and not knowing where to even begin, he ended up just staring at it and begging me to come home.

blank stare

Which meant that the bathroom floor was contaminated from her poop feet. He then decided to tackle Ary first so as to stop her from spreading her mess anywhere else in the house. Instead of going straight for the bathtub, he opted to sit her poopy butt on the counter and try washing her feet off in the sink. When he realized how futile this was given the sheer amount of poop covering her hands and feet, he finally threw her into the bathtub and scrubbed her down head to poopy toe. Basically, the entire bathroom was contaminated and needed deep cleaning. Mind you, I don’t blame him at all for any of it because let’s be honest with ourselves: none of us would be thinking clearly in that situation and would probably have made similar mistakes.

I wasn’t too exasperated by the idea of deep cleaning the whole thing though, because the bathroom is small and I have a kick ass floor steamer. Except that said steamer decided to die when I plugged it in. Of course that was the moment when Ary chose to pee on the carpet in her room. You know, the carpet that I had just scrubbed for 30 minutes on my hands and knees with my 7 month pregnant self the night before.

I pretty much lost it then.

rage

With all the interruptions from the kids fighting over things and the fact that I had to do the floor Cinderella style, the bathroom took another hour and a half.

Needless to say, Ary’s been in Pull-Ups ever since. Well, most of the time that is. She still trys to take them off throughout the day and throws nasty fits every time I force them back on her. I have no idea what to do with this girl, but I now know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m going to have to completely adjust my potty training method and expectations with her. I have some serious plans for a really good bottle of wine after Henderson is born to make up for all of this. And no, I don’t plan on sharing any of it.

 

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